my story......
As I sit and reflect on my life I remember so many times when I wondered "what is my purpose on this realm?" Those types of questions circled around in my "frolicking through the daises" type of mind. Honestly, as a young child I thought on that. When I was old enough to comprehend that I was adopted. It was a hard concept for me to wrap my mind around. "So you mean to tell me that the woman who birthed me into this place gave me away....she didn't want me?" Hmmm....couldn't understand it. I then started writing poetry to express my troubled emotional state. I won awards and was celebrated for my work all while people didn't understand the hurt that was being purged out of me through these very writings. I had one that was entitled "The little black girl on the shelf". That's how I saw myself as a girl that was placed on a shelf for display in hopes that someone would pick her up and take her home.
Well that wonderful day did come and I was raised by a beautiful, giving, and spiritual woman....my mother. Although her canal didn't allow for me to surface on this plain she mothered me and that in itself is one of the greatest sacrifices and gifts that you can give to any child.
Unfortunately I was too young at the time to understand such sacrifice. My behavior as a young child didn't show gratitude. I often got in a lot of trouble, was rebellious, and troubled. I was mad that I wasn't wanted, that I was dark skinned, taller than all the boys, and thin as a pole. I wore glasses, had short nappy hair, and wondered where in the world did I belong here? I struggled with the fact that I was the only one in this world that I thought looked like me. I was the only one, so I thought, that had my mind. I always saw things differently and no one would accept that. So I was frustrated and it showed. I rebelled at home, at school, at church, and wherever else I felt that I could. That type of behavior resulted in my getting kicked out of numerous schools. My mom tried Catholic, Christian, public, private, more public schools and I found a way to terrorize the teachers to where my behavior couldn't be tolerated and I was out. My poor mother. She tried everything counseling, medication, and God but to no avail I COULDN'T be CHANGED!!!
So during these times I didn't love myself and didn't really understand love. So I started to search in all the wrong places for it. At this time my body started to take some shape, my hair would look awesome/flawless (I stayed doing it daily), and I dressed pretty cool so I was feeling better about me on the outside (the inner me still struggled). I am a very creative being so I would allow that to come out in my style. So I was feeling my flavor. Plus the boys and young men were hollering at me when I walked down the streets "Hey shorty"...."ya lookin good". So hey I was doing me. So yes, looking for love in ALL the wrong places and I found what I thought was it at the age of 15. Yep 15 I found love hahaha. I can laugh about it now. That so called love resulted in pregnancy.....and from that came more questions. But finally someone who shared my DNA, hopefully my baby will have my nose or even my smile (these were the thoughts that swirled in my mind).
So a little over a year later I was pregnant again. By then me and the father moved down south, didn't have a pot to piss in, fought constantly (well if fighting meant him beating me, yelling at me, and breaking things.... then yep we fought), and had no clue what each day would bring. So I was pregnant and I knew that I couldn't go back home with child AGAIN and I wasn't married. So we did it. We went to the courthouse in jeans and t shirts, stood before a judge that I believe was drunk, and said I DO. We toasted with a can of off brand green tea and returned to our broken lives...........
MORE TO COME...........
Well that wonderful day did come and I was raised by a beautiful, giving, and spiritual woman....my mother. Although her canal didn't allow for me to surface on this plain she mothered me and that in itself is one of the greatest sacrifices and gifts that you can give to any child.
Unfortunately I was too young at the time to understand such sacrifice. My behavior as a young child didn't show gratitude. I often got in a lot of trouble, was rebellious, and troubled. I was mad that I wasn't wanted, that I was dark skinned, taller than all the boys, and thin as a pole. I wore glasses, had short nappy hair, and wondered where in the world did I belong here? I struggled with the fact that I was the only one in this world that I thought looked like me. I was the only one, so I thought, that had my mind. I always saw things differently and no one would accept that. So I was frustrated and it showed. I rebelled at home, at school, at church, and wherever else I felt that I could. That type of behavior resulted in my getting kicked out of numerous schools. My mom tried Catholic, Christian, public, private, more public schools and I found a way to terrorize the teachers to where my behavior couldn't be tolerated and I was out. My poor mother. She tried everything counseling, medication, and God but to no avail I COULDN'T be CHANGED!!!
So during these times I didn't love myself and didn't really understand love. So I started to search in all the wrong places for it. At this time my body started to take some shape, my hair would look awesome/flawless (I stayed doing it daily), and I dressed pretty cool so I was feeling better about me on the outside (the inner me still struggled). I am a very creative being so I would allow that to come out in my style. So I was feeling my flavor. Plus the boys and young men were hollering at me when I walked down the streets "Hey shorty"...."ya lookin good". So hey I was doing me. So yes, looking for love in ALL the wrong places and I found what I thought was it at the age of 15. Yep 15 I found love hahaha. I can laugh about it now. That so called love resulted in pregnancy.....and from that came more questions. But finally someone who shared my DNA, hopefully my baby will have my nose or even my smile (these were the thoughts that swirled in my mind).
So a little over a year later I was pregnant again. By then me and the father moved down south, didn't have a pot to piss in, fought constantly (well if fighting meant him beating me, yelling at me, and breaking things.... then yep we fought), and had no clue what each day would bring. So I was pregnant and I knew that I couldn't go back home with child AGAIN and I wasn't married. So we did it. We went to the courthouse in jeans and t shirts, stood before a judge that I believe was drunk, and said I DO. We toasted with a can of off brand green tea and returned to our broken lives...........
MORE TO COME...........